America Declares War on America

Offline Aimless

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EDIT: Ignore the silly character thingies, just read it at Atari.

[Okay, I tried to post a link to this and then learned the link wouldn't work because of peculiarities of the website "organization." So I'm editing this message to put the whole thing in here.]


In a surprise move today, President George W. Bush announced that the United States of America is now at war with that notorious den of iniquity, the “rogue state” known as the “United States of America.”

A highly placed source informs us that Secretary of State Colin Powell tried to persuade President Bush to hold off a few more weeks, until Powell could attempt to achieve a better diplomatic understanding in closed-door negotiating sessions with a Mr. Colin Powell, whom, as you may recall, is the Secretary of State of the beleaguered USA.

“Since we sent our troops into their homeland, the Iraqis have only killed what, maybe nine hundred or so Americans?” said a Defense Department analyst who specializes in body counts. “And in 2001, you may remember noticing a little media coverage about an episode that September in which something in the neighborhood of three thousand Americans were killed by a group whose operatives appeared to be predominantly born and raised in Saudi Arabia. But do you realize who the biggest killers of U.S. citizens were during that same year, and the following one? That’s right . . . those diabolical Americans killed the most of us! For instance, in 2002, the FBI estimates 16,204 Americans were murdered. We think it's a safe bet that the vast majority of the perpetrators were citizens of the United States of America."

There are other ways to interpret these figures, in theory, he concedes. “Sure, the federal government of the USA claims that it does not support this endless flood of bloodshed that various of its citizens are ‘independently’ carrying out against innocent U.S. citizens on a regular basis, but do you really believe that? When you get such high figures, year after year, no matter which of their political parties is in power at any given time, it sure smells like state-sponsored terrorism and attempted genocide to me, and that’s tantamount to an act of war. Now we’re going to give those murderous Americans a taste of their own medicine, and show them that you can’t just go around murdering large numbers of Americans with impunity!”

Sources in the DEA tell us that the USA is also notorious in the criminal underworld as the biggest importer of illegal drugs from Colombia and other Latin American nations. “It’s really pretty simple,” one agent told us. “If all those criminal American consumers would just stop buying cocaine and similar products, the market would dry up and all those poor South American farmers would no longer be so tempted to keep growing what is currently their most profitable cash crop. We’re going to cut this problem off at the source. For too long we’ve been harassing the sellers and letting the buyers get off with a slap on the wrist at best! Now it’s time to do it the other way around! Besides, did you know that a lot of the money Americans spend on illegal narcotics ends up (gasp) funding some type of . . . terrorism?”

“Fortunately,” said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, “We already have a surprising number of military bases in and around the North American continent which can easily be used as staging areas for any operations which may be necessary. Supply lines will be remarkably short. Although,” he added quickly, “We naturally hope for a peaceful resolution now that we’ve made it clear we aren’t going to be pushed around by those high-and-mighty Americans any longer.”

“Those nasty Americans have long claimed to be a representative democracy, but there’s serious room for doubt,” said one U.N. official. “Many of us outside observers feel it’s a country dominated to a ridiculous extent by their court system, with the wishes of the ‘average voter’ very low on the scale of power. One of their Supreme Court justices, William Brennan, used to boast, ‘With five votes you can do anything around here!’ In case you missed the point, it wasn’t ‘real votes’ from concerned taxpayers he was talking about there, nor legislative votes cast by democratically elected members of their Congress who will subsequently be held accountable in the next election if they make too many unpopular decisions. He wasn’t even talking about the American concept of ‘electoral votes’, whatever those are. Instead, he was talking about votes from an elitist group of nine who are appointed for life and think they have The Final Word on any and every matter that attracts their attention, and are almost impossible to expel from their jobs once they’ve been appointed, no matter how out of touch with the will of the people they prove to be. If five of them say Yes and four of them say No, hundreds of millions of Americans are then stuck with ‘Yes’ on whatever issue was under discussion, and are expected to grin and bear it. This is a recipe for ‘representative democracy’? Fat chance.”

He continued, “We note with distress that only about half of the theoretically eligible voters in that benighted country actually voted in their national election in November 2000. This probably means the other half were living in terror, hiding under the bed at home, afraid to vote at all because of the retribution that would fall upon them from the then-current administration if they rocked the boat by trying to make things happen. Wild allegations that the typical American in the modern era has never been threatened by anyone regarding his voting rights, but suffers from massive apathy in political affairs and can’t be bothered to lift a finger to change anything, can be disregarded as the feeble attempts of apologists for the American side of things.

“To provide an interesting contrast, the enlightened nation of North Korea reported a voting rate of approximately 99.85% of all eligible voters in their elections in 1998. In sharp contrast to the snafu in Florida with Palm Beach butterfly ballots and stuff like that in the American elections of 2000, you don't have to punch holes in your ballot at all! You don't even have to write anything on it to make it count! Just take it, drop it in a box, and that counts as a good solid vote for the current regime! Now that’s a user-friendly system, and the high turnout rate shows they have a government that really cares about the democratic process!”

From Paris, word is that the current French government is angry at being caught off-guard by this development and is insisting that President Bush should have consulted with them and the rest of the Security Council of the United Nations before taking unilateral action. “Sure,” said one French official who insisted upon anonymity, “We never bothered to ask the Security Council for permission before we sent thousands of troops into the Ivory Coast in 2002, but that’s different. We’re the French, for crying out loud! We’re supposed to be arrogant! When the Americans imitate our own high-handed behavior on a much larger scale, it makes us want to seek a Security Council resolution condemning their sins in no uncertain terms! We all saw how effective that approach was against Saddam Hussein, right? On the other hand,” he added reflectively, “If Bush has to invade someone this week, it couldn’t happen to a more deserving national populace.”

The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom was more supportive. “If my buddy George wants to invade the USA next, I guess we can back him up. We still feel a certain fatherly interest in the place. I hear rumors that many of its inhabitants still speak a degenerate form of the Queen’s English. After all, that sad spectacle of a country started out as a bunch of fractious colonies of the British Empire that didn’t know when they had it good. I mean, just because we knew those riffraff weren’t mature enough to vote in parliamentary elections, they started whining about how their own best interests were not being adequately considered whenever we slapped another tax or tariff on ‘em. Then, when they did have a government they’d elected themselves, and it continued to impose taxes and tariffs, they whined about that. What a bunch of crybabies. It’s about time someone shook some sense into their childish heads.”

From Democratic headquarters, presidential hopeful Senator John Kerry took a firm stand. “For once, President Bush has got the right idea. This will help the average voter see the need for an even larger defense budget during the next four years, in order to subdue the rebellious, uncivilized tendencies of the unstable people known as the ‘Americans,’ a group so immature in political matters that many of them don’t even vote the Democratic ticket regularly, and I hope to be the one who will serve as Commander in Chief while spending all that beautiful money. After all, I’ve been saying all along that we need to build up our military to make it even bigger and better, so that we’re better prepared for large-scale international operations. (The Republicans usually like to be the ones to say that loud and clear in an election year, but this year I stole the idea right out from under their noses. Chumps! I don’t know how they let me get away with it!)”

Strangely enough, some American servicemen we interviewed seemed very calm about the prospect. One recent West Point graduate now commanding an infantry platoon said, “Oh, come on. Do you really expect any violence to come from this? We may do a little parading through the streets of American cities to ‘show the flag,’ but since when do mere American soldiers or civilians have the guts to shoot uniformed American military personnel full of holes? Never gonna happen!”

A tough old senior NCO in the same platoon muttered, “Lazy, spoiled-brat Americans working up the gumption to kill American troops? No, I haven’t seen that happen much. Not since I was doing my tour in Vietnam back in the 70s, anyway. I was just a private at the time, but we had this really stupid American lieutenant whose gung-ho ideas would have gotten us all killed in that stinking jungle if we hadn’t found a way to frag him and blame it on ‘Charlie’ - waitaminnit. Is that recorder still running? Never mind! I was just joking!”


The various opinions stated in this piece are not necessarily the opinions of those real-life figures to whom some of them were satirically attributed.

The various opinions stated in this piece are not necessarily those of Epinions.

The various opinions stated in this piece are not necessarily those of Lorendiac.

In fact, you could search far and wide without finding anyone who’d accept the responsibility for these ravings!

Larry Homer (also known as Lorendiac)
Sometimes I think, sometimes I am

Offline Phoenix

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Hehehe.. Amusing read.
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Offline Devlyn, the special edition

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Interesting side-note:

Today on Teletekst News they announced the following news item:


America and Iraq open attack on Iraq.

Later on they aptly changed the latter to "Najaf" ;)
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